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This realization should come as no surprise to me. But it kinda does. When I take time off, I feel guilty for not working. And then I feel guilty for not enjoying some down time while also feeling guilty about not working. It's stupid, really, to feel guilty for feeling guilty. Stupid or crazy.
It's not that I can't rest. I can. But I must force myself. I must actively redirect thoughts as they stray back to work and household chores and the things I should be doing instead. (Note: should is a guilt work. When you find it, kill it. Kill it dead.)
Trust to your instincts
If it's safely restrained
Must be carefully trained
Heat of the moment
Curse of the young
Spit out your anger
Don't swallow your tongue
Stick it out
Don't swallow the poison
Spit it out
Don't swallow your pride
Stick it out
Don't swallow your anger
Spit it out
Don't swallow the lies
You might be too dizzy
To do the right thing
Trial under fire
Moment of crisis
Don't swallow the truth
Each time we bathe our reactions
In artificial light
Each time we alter the focus
To make the wrong moves seem right
You get so used to deception
You make yourself a nervous wreck
You get so used to surrender
Running back to cover your neck
-Rush, Stick It Out
Time is a shapeshifter. Sometimes it's a hill, and I have to work three times as hard to go the ten paces I could skip across with no effort were it flat ground. Other times, though (and far too often lately), time is a slide and no matter how I dig in my heels to stop, or at least slow down, gravity plus the tilt of this patch of earth are pushing me, pushing you, faster, always faster, and if we're smart we'll want to pause everything--there's so much to see! so much to miss!--but if we're smarter we'll just forget our feet, pull our knees to our chests, lean back, open our eyes wide, and enjoy the ride. Because, see, it's not that kind of slide at all, it's a landslide--just the other side of that same hill.
-Leah, excerpted from Time is a... at A Girl and a Boy
I don't want to get into this too much here, but let me just say that I can tell the state of my mental health by the non-work-related writing I do. (See: this blog and the lack of posting since July 2010) And also by the heart palpitations, anxiety hives, and panic attacks. Crushing chest pain is a sign that something has gone seriously sideways in life.
Anyway, I haven't written anything lately. The past couple months have been busy:
First, we bought a house and moved to New Braunfels. We have two ponds full of goldfish and Koi and a herd of deer who are constantly begging for food. We see all variety of birds - including a Cardinal family who built a nest by the living room window and birthed another generation, hummingbirds everywhere, and roadrunners. We also have scorpions and tarantulas and snakes, oh my!
Then, once we got into the place, My sister-in-law and I repainted my office and decorated it with some lovely dark wood and lots of art. Remind me never to paint a 10'x10' room with 12' ceilings. Ever. Again. What on earth was I thinking? The upside, however, is that the place is everything I wanted in an office - sunny and relaxing and with a beautiful view.
Lately, we've been entertaining just about everyone we know at the house. The month of July is already booked with guests and we're scheduling into August! Apparently, this is The Place To Be. And it makes me so very happy.
In work-related travel news, I've been to Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas, Florida, Ohio (twice), Arizona, and North Carolina. And none of that includes the tornado-related stranding in Dallas or a trip to Houston. And really, that is just the tip of the iceberg of my sales business. Too many places to go and not enough time to do it all.
I'm going to try to get back to a more regular posting schedule, but I can't promise anything. Because I just don't know if I'll have the energy to be anything more than a neglectful writer on my own blog. In the meantime, I've got to figure out where things have gone wrong and set them to rights again.