Congrats to Leah & Family!

Nov 25, 2008

Who closed on their house and are moving to the country.

You can keep up with their new adventure at Life On The Farm.


Nov 24, 2008

Note to self: Completely cover your little finger tips when putting food in the oven. Avoid touching the 375 degree surfaces with any part of your hand. Realize that ibuprofen will offer absolutely no relief to a second degree burn. Keep the cold compress cold. Try not to cry.

Update: Do you know how many times a day you use your right pinky finger? Every second of every moment spent on the computer. Try not to cry.

Freak. Me. Out.

Nov 22, 2008

Last night, Handsome and I went to dinner.

Afterward, we climbed into our car to head home, naturally. I slid behind the seat, and put the key in the ignition. That's when I saw it.

A small bleached skull. And our windshield. Looking inward.

"What is that?!?!?! Get it off!!!!"

"Oh. Looks like a skull. What do you think it is?"

*blink* insert freak out here

"I think it's an opossum. Or maybe a raccoon."

"Or maybe, we should GET IT OFF OUR CAR!!!!"

And he did.

Handsome. My hero.


Nov 21, 2008

LOS ANGELES — Dr Pepper is making good on its promise of free soda now that the release of Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" is a reality.

The soft-drink maker said in March that it would give a free soda to everyone in America if the album dropped in 2008. "Chinese Democracy," infamously delayed since recording began in 1994, goes on sale Sunday.

"We never thought this day would come," Tony Jacobs, Dr Pepper's vice president of marketing, said in a statement. "But now that it's here, all we can say is: The Dr Pepper's on us."

Beginning Sunday at 12:01 a.m., coupons for a free 20-ounce soda will be available for 24 hours on Dr Pepper's Web site. They'll be honored until Feb. 28.

Dr Pepper is owned by Dr Pepper Snapple Group, Inc.

Source: Fox News

It's Not a Tumor, part two

Nov 20, 2008

Last week on "It's Not a Tumor" . . .

Jennifer: "I get these nose bleeds. For hours."
Dr.: "Looks like the silver-nitrate won't work for you. We're going to have to electrically cauterize these suckers."
And that's when Dr. Nosey walks in with the giant instruments of electrical torture. With a big fat smile on his face.

So, Dr. Nosey sits on his little, rolling stool, and turns on the wieldy device. It hummed. So did the doctor.

Dr.: "Ok, so this is how it works. I'll insert this little cauterizing tool into your nostril. When I say 'breathe,' you breathe OUT. We'll repeat the process until all those bloody vessels are closed up. Ok? Ok. Let's do this thing."
J: *whimpers, wipes nose, whimpers some more* Ooookaaay.

And it begins.

Dr.: "Breathe." bzzt "Good!" pause "Breathe." bzzt "Good!" pause "Breathe."


J: "OW!" deep breath "EW!" gag. twice "You just shocked me!"
Dr.: "Whoopsie!"
J: "Whoopsie?!?! That hurt! And now I'm bleeding. Again!"
Dr.: "Sorry about that. It's just, I didn't expect the nose hair to be able to carry a current. I mean, they've been just burning off up till now."
J: "Ack! That's what that smell is? Burning hair?!?!"
Dr.: "Well, yeah. That and the burning flesh."
J: gag. again
Dr.: "Shall we continue?"
J: blink

Hours later. Well, ok, it was maybe ten excruciating minutes.

Dr.: "All right, we're done. The nurse will be back to pack your nose, and then you can be on your way."
J: "You mean, the torture is over?"
Dr.: "Yes. Except for the cotton packing." smile

In she walks with a years supply of cotton balls and gauze.

Nurse: "This'll only take a minute."
J: "Oh good. I'm late for work."
N: Lays out her "implements" and giggles "Late for work? Oh, I think you'll want to go home and rest a bit, don't you?"
J: "Well, I might want to, but I really do have to work."
N: "Suit yourself. Ok, here we go."

That's when she shoved all two pounds of gauze and cotton up my right nostril. Not one scrap of tissue remained on her tray.

J: "How did you manage that?!?!"
N: "Oh, I've been stuffing noses for year. You really can fit a LOT of stuff up there."
J: *shudder*
N: "Ok, you're all set. Let's get you checked out and on your way."

Thirty minutes later, walking into the office.

J: "Guys, I'm here."
Manager: *snort* "What happened to you?"
J: "I told you yesterday I had a doctor's appointment this morning."
Mgr.: "Yeah, but you didn't say they'd make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
J: "Right. That's it. I'm going home!"
Mgr.: *bigger snort*
J: "It's not a tumor!"

The end.


Nov 19, 2008

is World Toilet Day. No $#!t.

What Not To Do

Nov 18, 2008

Today's quote of the day was inspired by the very long day of meetings and presentations we poor sales people must occasionally endure. And the teeth-grinding insipidity began at 9 AM, when the morning's first presenter quoted himself and included said self-quote on a slide. With attribution. And a date some 20+ years ago. And then he read it to us.

So. A few thoughts . . .

Lesson #1: Do NOT read your slides. Unless, in very rare instances, where the quote is so unbelievably poignant that not to read it would be a travesty. Maybe. Consider that every person in the audience also knows how to read. We like to think we're smart.

Lesson #2: Do NOT quote yourself. There are thousands upon thousands of brilliant quotes out there on the internets. Find one that makes your point better than you do. It'll make us think you're smart.

Lesson #3: Read Presentation Zen and/or study the presentations of our leader. Improving your performance (and not boring us to death) will make us think you're really smart.

Lesson #4: Consider emailing us your presentation and instead open a two-way conversation or tell some stories. Then, we won't grind our teeth next time you're in town. And we'll all feel pretty smart.

A Man Walks Into A Bar

Nov 13, 2008

. . .with an alligator.

You can't make this stuff up.


Nov 12, 2008

I've been playing with my blog today. And will probably continue to do so over the course of the new few days. If you should pop by while things are running amok, please forgive my ineptitude.

I may, or may not, refresh my template, depending upon whether or not I can figure out the friggin' code and get it to work right. In the meantime, think happy thoughts.

Update: Well, what do you think?

It's Not a Tumor, part one

Nov 11, 2008

Woke up this morning with a nose bleed. Which was surprising, since I had a bunch of superficial blood vessels in my nose cauterized about a decade ago.

And let me tell you about that. . .

Jennifer: "I get these nose bleeds. For hours."
Doctor: "Really? How long has that been going on?"
J: "My whole life."
Dr.: "We can fix that. It's a quick outpatient procedure. Takes about five minutes."
J: "Really! Is this new? How long has this been available?"
Dr.: "You're whole life."

Fast forward two weeks. . .

Dr.: "Morning Ms. Knighton. You ready?"
J: "You bet! I can't wait to not have nose bleeds!"
Doctor Nosey gets out his nose-scope and takes a peek into my nostrils.
Dr.: "Wow!"
J: "What 'wow?' There's no 'wow!'"
Dr.: "Well, this is a little more difficult than I first thought. These blood vessels are huge! I'm surprised you don't walk around with a bleeding nose every day."
J: *blink*
Dr.: "Looks like the silver-nitrate won't work for you. We're going to have to electrically cauterize these suckers."
J (sheepish): "Electrically?"
Dr.: "Yeah! This'll be fun. I'll be right back."
J: "Fun. Right."

In the meantime, a nurse comes in to prep me. And by prep, I mean torture.

Nurse: "We'll use a small amount of local anesthetic to deaden the nerves in your nostrils. This shouldn't hurt."

Then she stuck a needle up my nose.
It hurt. Like hell. And my nose began to bleed.

N: "Wow! Dr. Nosey wasn't kidding. You do get nose bleeds."
J: *glower*

And that's when Dr. Nosey walks in with the giant instruments of electrical torture. With a big fat smile on his face.

To be continued. . .


Nov 6, 2008

What would the media have said if McCain had gotten elected and the Dow tanked about a thousand points?

From Andy McCarthy, What's Bigger than 338

New Nightmares

Yesterday, I picked up my new nightguard from the dentist. And of course, last night I slept with it - to prevent the grinding and clenching and so forth.

Except, I had new distressing dreams about all my teeth falling out. The dream dentist laughed about it, naturally: "Well, at least you're not grinding your teeth, anymore."

Stupid evil dream dentist.

Side note: It's now 4pm, and my teeth still feel weird after wearing the nightguard all friggin' night long. I don't like this at all.

What They Said

Nov 5, 2008

The public has, however, clearly rejected the Republican party in its present configuration. It is always difficult for a party to maintain control of the White House after two terms in office. But both President Bush and Senator McCain made the task harder. Bush took too long to change course in Iraq and botched the response to Hurricane Katrina. McCain rarely stuck to one message or strategy. The financial crisis, for which we do not primarily blame either man, sealed the party’s fate.

But Republicans have been so unpopular for so long, and their failure has been so sweeping, that it is a mistake to dwell too long on the flaws of specific men or the consequences of particular events. Neither Bush nor McCain nor congressional Republicans gave much sign that they understood the frustrations that average Americans have felt over the last few years toward the economy and Washington, let alone that they had solutions.

- Hope Amid the Ruins, National Review

Deviating from the Norm

Nov 4, 2008

I voted. Straight ticket. Libertarian. "No" to all propositions, including the school bonds.

And I'll tell you why.

I don't trust either of the popular parties to make anything any better for our country and its citizens. I harbor quite a bit of anger and bitterness about how our economy has been handled by our elected leaders, about how life and liberty have been trampled, and about the lies and deception rampant in our government.

So. This is my small step to stand athwart history, yelling Stop!*

*God bless Bill Buckley. May he rest in peace.

Quote of the Day

In democratic systems, the people are free to screw up their own societies.

- Mark Steyn, Vox Populi