knighton

It's Not a Tumor, part two

Nov 20, 2008

Last week on "It's Not a Tumor" . . .

Jennifer: "I get these nose bleeds. For hours."
Dr.: "Looks like the silver-nitrate won't work for you. We're going to have to electrically cauterize these suckers."
And that's when Dr. Nosey walks in with the giant instruments of electrical torture. With a big fat smile on his face.

So, Dr. Nosey sits on his little, rolling stool, and turns on the wieldy device. It hummed. So did the doctor.

Dr.: "Ok, so this is how it works. I'll insert this little cauterizing tool into your nostril. When I say 'breathe,' you breathe OUT. We'll repeat the process until all those bloody vessels are closed up. Ok? Ok. Let's do this thing."
J: *whimpers, wipes nose, whimpers some more* Ooookaaay.

And it begins.

Dr.: "Breathe." bzzt "Good!" pause "Breathe." bzzt "Good!" pause "Breathe."

*ZAP*

J: "OW!" deep breath "EW!" gag. twice "You just shocked me!"
Dr.: "Whoopsie!"
J: "Whoopsie?!?! That hurt! And now I'm bleeding. Again!"
Dr.: "Sorry about that. It's just, I didn't expect the nose hair to be able to carry a current. I mean, they've been just burning off up till now."
J: "Ack! That's what that smell is? Burning hair?!?!"
Dr.: "Well, yeah. That and the burning flesh."
J: gag. again
Dr.: "Shall we continue?"
J: blink

Hours later. Well, ok, it was maybe ten excruciating minutes.

Dr.: "All right, we're done. The nurse will be back to pack your nose, and then you can be on your way."
J: "You mean, the torture is over?"
Dr.: "Yes. Except for the cotton packing." smile

In she walks with a years supply of cotton balls and gauze.

Nurse: "This'll only take a minute."
J: "Oh good. I'm late for work."
N: Lays out her "implements" and giggles "Late for work? Oh, I think you'll want to go home and rest a bit, don't you?"
J: "Well, I might want to, but I really do have to work."
N: "Suit yourself. Ok, here we go."

That's when she shoved all two pounds of gauze and cotton up my right nostril. Not one scrap of tissue remained on her tray.

J: "How did you manage that?!?!"
N: "Oh, I've been stuffing noses for year. You really can fit a LOT of stuff up there."
J: *shudder*
N: "Ok, you're all set. Let's get you checked out and on your way."

Thirty minutes later, walking into the office.

J: "Guys, I'm here."
Manager: *snort* "What happened to you?"
J: "I told you yesterday I had a doctor's appointment this morning."
Mgr.: "Yeah, but you didn't say they'd make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
J: "Right. That's it. I'm going home!"
Mgr.: *bigger snort*
J: "It's not a tumor!"

The end.