Nov 12, 2007

My mother once told me that she avoided drugs, tobacco, and alcohol because she liked being in control of her body and having a clear memory of where she had been, who she had been with, and what she had done.

When I was nearly sixteen, she lost all control and entered the downward spiral of clinical depression, leaving a husband and two daughters to struggle to the surface alone. It was then that I discovered the power of self control - although mine was far more dangerous than hers.

Within the next three years, I would drop to ninety-six pounds on my 5'7" frame. Such drastic weight loss was accompanied by amenorrhea and hypotension, enough to endanger my life. My aunt "accidentally" discovered the anorexia when she opened the door to my room as I was changing. It's not often when your relatives get the chance to count your ribs, but at sixteen, I had discovered a way to control my body, my life. I never once used drugs, tobacco, or alcohol, but while my mother battled her demons, I learned how to truly control my body - by starving it.

I don't know that I've been the same since.

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